Okay, I recently put up three rather… odd posts, out of my irritibility over the time span that I put them up.
There’s a part of me that resents the fact that I even have to apologize for them… that we’re not an open enough society that I can post things regardless of what people think about them and not have people bearing down on my ass. (Not that I’ve had people bearing down on my ass, but I could turn off potential readers if I attempt to grow Da Blog.)
Regardless, it was a mistake to post the “Confronting humanity with hard truths” post at this point in time, when I haven’t made posts building up the philosophical underpinning of that view. As a result, it sounds coldly cynical and even something that a serial killer would send to the newspaper; with the proper underpinning, you might have thought “right on!”. I don’t like Nazis and I don’t like what’s going on in Darfur. I’d like to think I’m not a potential killer that might run amok on the school campus or go hunting in Seattle households at night. I have no reason to do so and plenty of reason not to, and if I ever felt tempted to the process of trying to do so would take long enough and contain sufficient roadblocks to lure me back from the ledge. But sometimes I say and think things that rattle my own confidence in that statement and make me wonder just where my place on the news might be.
Hence the statement at the end of the webcomic post, “The only reason this sentence…”. I was bitter about the repeated tripping of the counter in archive browsing, at Bravenet for not making a half-decent counter, and at SiteMeter for not having its “SiteMeter 2.0” system up and running yesterday. That leads to me getting way more thoughts in my head than I can deal with, and that leads to the downward spiral mentioned in my third post.
I am going to use (as I have used) Da Blog as a place for me to vent from time to time, posting tidbits about me that might be useful for someone attempting to deal with me. I am not someone you generally want to meet in real life, but don’t hold everything I say against me for that. Even the stuff I write when I’m mad; I have a theory that it’s only then that the real truth comes out, unfiltered by civilization. Hence I don’t follow the advice of others who say take a step back after writing something out of anger. I’ve had people tell me (mostly my mom) that I try too hard to make people bend to my will and my way of acting rather than change myself to fit everyone else. Well, it’s everyone else who’s tried to change to fit everyone else and it hasn’t worked as well as “everyone else” would like. More to the point, I’m not like everyone else so I shouldn’t have to change to be like everyone else – to be something or someone I’m not.
So many of our values are contradictory when you get right down to it. I can easily invoke them in ways you may find repulsive. I may do or say things you may find repulsive, but ultimately, those are just quirks. I think that beneath my rough edges (and I don’t show them 99.9 percent of the time) lie some interesting and thought-provoking points. Da Blog will continue to be a home for uncensored, unfiltered commentary and thinking. If you don’t like it, just ignore it and focus on the stuff with substance.
I don’t think I made my points as well as I could have. What I’m getting at is that I’m not going to apologize for saying incendiary things out of anger, but that you shouldn’t hold it against me and you shouldn’t let it distract you from everything else. Even that doesn’t describe it well, so I’m open to people suggesting anything better to assuage your fears in the comments.