Back in February I listed a number of things I wished to do with Da Blog over the next month or two, none of which actually panned out. Many of those ideas and several others besides remain backed up for me to attempt to do in the coming months. With the release of the Mueller Report it hasn’t been timelier for me to work on my series on fixing the Constitution since the election, but until earlier this week I spent more of my time working on notes for a project that may or may not turn into another book or some other project that gets put up somewhere, notes I originally intended to work on after my Constitution series but which I find easier to engage with. It’s easier to immerse myself in a fantasy world than the real world that seems to be circling the abyss.
At this point I likely won’t pick up Steven Universe again until July, partly because I’m facing a monetary crunch with renewals for my website hosting and domain name coming up this month, partly because I got sick earlier this week which made that crunch worse as I loaded up on medicine and other things. There’s a slight chance the site will go down briefly in about two weeks, but I doubt it and I’m trying to spend the rest of the month in more of a savings mode. The site already went down earlier in the month after something broke without me changing anything, and that coupled with how the issue got resolved made me a little antsy about signing up with A2 again, but I don’t think there’s anything too serious that would lead me to abandon the status quo.
Other events over the past month have reminded me about just how much momentum I’ve lost when it comes to the things I wanted to do when I moved to LA, whether things I was doing when Da Blog was more active and I was more concerned about keeping up streaks of posts every weekday instead of every month, or things I thought I was laying the groundwork for in college but now I’m not sure if I could properly get back into them. I’m 31 now and fighting the notion that I’m now on the clock for my productive years and for my brain to remain at something close to its peak, and even if I do somehow manage to reclaim my old goal of being one of the all-time greats at whatever I did with my life, there’s now going to be a productive drought where even relative to before 2016, there’s going to be a several-years-long stretch of me doing next to nothing of note.
Moving down here to live with my dad was supposed to provide a support framework allowing me to work on Da Blog and my other projects without any other concerns, but there hasn’t been much in the way of anything pushing me to actually do those things; Dad tends to spend most of his time at work or working on his own projects without really making sure I’m spending my time productively (or having a very expansive definition of “productively”), but if I moved back to live with my mom I’d be expected to get a “real” job (despite the complaints of many in my generation of such jobs being few, far between, and decidedly low paying). I wish there was a middle ground, someone who could push me into doing the sort of writing that could actually pay off for me and doing it at a healthy, consistent rate, without making me feel like I was spending most of my time at a “job”. But I don’t know if there’s a path to that that’s realistic, or that didn’t imply having already achieved some sort of success that such a setup might be necessary to achieve to begin with.
But that’s just me rambling. For now I have some sort of hope that I’ll do something productive in the month of June, even if the prospect of launching into a big, time-sensitive project that might monopolize all my productive time and leave me with little or no time for “fun” regularly scares me, which is really the real problem, and it doesn’t help that it’s harder for me to see a psychologist with experience with Asperger’s and have it covered by insurance in California than it was before I moved (not that moving back is necessarily the answer to that since the real issue is probably that I was under my mom’s insurance, which I probably can’t get back under, as opposed to California’s Medi-Cal system). But maybe I can start to dig my way out of the abyss I’ve been seemingly circling since 2016, or maybe it’ll be another three months before I write a post that’s more than just another “status update”.